Financial Security as an Act of Love

One of the sneaky things that Certified Financial Planners like me try to do is to use the calendar to our advantage as a way to write about financial advice that is appropriate all year long. That’s what I would normally do around Valentine’s Day, talk about love and money, but a recent survey from non-profit insurance group Life Happens made me wonder about my timing.

Nearly two-thirds of Americans (61 percent) report that they are delaying traditional life milestones, like getting married and having children, in order to become more financially secure. There is evidence that millennials (those born from 1981 to 1996) have been leading the trend, often because they are paying off their student loans and focusing on their careers. One interesting upside of the delay: it appears that it has contributed to a drop in the U.S. divorce rate. The reason may be as simple as when both people in the couple are more financially secure; they fight less about money when they tie the knot.

The Life Happens survey found that the strategy pays off: Of those who’ve delayed a traditional life milestone, 74 percent have reported being more financially stable as a result. Additionally, there is a new way of thinking about financial security in general: as an act of love. Often that act of love means sharing information with your partner or spouse, but given that many are delaying the official marriage hook-up, at what point in the relationship should people be talking about money?

As with most relationship issues, it depends. As time evolves, there will be ample opportunity for you to talk about your financial values. How interested are each of you in financial security? What were some of the messages your parents gave you about money? How comfortable are you with your level of financial know-how? In the early stages, it is important to listen without judgment and to be curious, not nosey.

Another area of difficulty is how much of your digital life should you share? Kaspersky Lab research found that half of people in a relationship give their partners the PINs/graphical passwords to unlock their devices and 26 percent store intimate things on their partner’s devices. Here’s the problem: while “80 percent of people believe that each person in a couple should have some private space both online and offline, 70 percent state that relationships are more important to them than their privacy.” This can lead to a lack of trust, arguments, spying, break-ups, and at the extreme, cyber stalking and vengeful acts.

So when and how should you draw the line with your partner? At least until the relationship is serious, I recommend that you not share passwords to your phone, e-mail, social media, and most crucially, any of your financial accounts. If you want to make your streaming subscription available to your love, that’s fine, but let’s draw the boundary right there.

Of course, if the idea of sharing makes you queasy, that may be a relationship red flag, which should be discussed. Kapersky found that 87 percent of those that said they are in a good relationship, also say they do not intentionally hide anything about their online activities. So if you are in a longer-term relationship and are still worried or anxious about the idea of sharing more, that may be a sign of trouble brewing.

Once you decide to cohabitate or get married, you can reevaluate what needs to be shared. Obviously, all joint account information should be open and transparent and you need to communicate your feelings and be honest about the boundaries that feel best for both of you.